When sun seeps through.. Getting reminded

As a warning I am not as bubbly tonight, even the best fall down sometimes (as a great song once said). Today was a good day, a day I felt like me. Ok kinda like me. And I decided it's going to be a good day, I even appreciated being stuck behind a tractor. Then I get tagged to a post that had 22 weeks old babies on it and asked if I would like to share my thoughts on a controversial issue. No. I don't. I am not controversial in the first place and I will not use my baby to be involved in politics. Maybe that makes me wrong. I know people mean well, but sometimes I just want to be me. I want to feel like me. I don't want to be reminded of my dark cloud that never leaves me. But I mean sometimes my dark cloud has sunshine pouring into it and when you tag me to something about a baby dying it sends me into a tail spin. Yes I rejoiced that I met Ryleigh and I find joy knowing she's with God. But I feel sadness for losing my daughter and while some say they only feel joy about hearing about her, I feel everything. Joy for knowing her and joy for God in heaven... But the mom in me feels anger (not at God just in general). The mom in me feels the deepest pain, utter grief, confusion, fear, etc... And I struggle thinking someone would think I felt nothing but joy. Then I tell myself to not feel guilty for feeling different things because I am human. I need to grieve the same way that is good for me. My daughter and my God are joy. But death, it's hard, even people in the Bible mourned. I love you all... To sleep I go.