I felt you so close to my heart today and not in a go crawl into a corner and cry way (even though I did cry missing you today, but I only cried a short amount which is really big for me). But today I felt close to you in the way where I am finding some purpose that I can do in your name. I want to help other mother's like me and I want to pray for babies like you (even though you are my one of a kind sweet angel). I want to bring hope in a hopeless situation or I want to help spread the peace God brings to mother's like me who miss precious angel's like you.
I have a friend who had the "terrible" no good appointment of being told her fluid was gone. That her little girl, Claire, had 5-10% chance of living. It brings me back to hearing that you had a 2% chance of living. My mind selfishly went to you. Then I dropped my head and prayed for the family and for peace and healing. God still surrounds me with His peace, and I hope to share His peace with others.
Ryles, I'll never know what your laughter sounded like. I'll never get a text from a teacher telling me that you cried about missing me. I'll never get to see you sit in Santa's lap physically. I'll miss so many things like that. But you are a part of every. single. thing. I. do. You are a part of me that will never die. My soul will even carry your memory into Heaven one day. And until then, I am going to keep searching for purpose, for acts of love to do in your honor and to show Christ's love that's been poured out for us this year. Mommy is starting her hormones again tonight. I should be a nut job for a couple of weeks. Holidays without you and hormones shall be an "interesting cocktail" of emotions. But I am thankful to remember your life. I am thankful for the medicines that will help to one day get pregnant with your brother and sister, but I would give anything to change our journey.
I often see parents rightfully being sad that their children are growing so fast. (I know I would have done the same thing if you were born). But for the record, I would have given anything for you to hit a week, a month, a year. But I don't judge them for what they say, because I am not on their journey, just as they are not on mine. If I have learned anything it is that we are all on our own journey in life. We all face disappointments from time to time, we all face loss, regret, and all of the other bad things. But one thing all of us humans have in common is that we are God's children. We are loved and we have purpose (even if we are still in our "searching years". Your life had purpose baby girl and I hope that the name Ryleigh will provide a sense of peace or love to someone. I hope women like me may see that I've been on their journey and that can understand that someone half way understands them. I hope you always know that I strive to make you proud.
Today, during rainy day recess I let my students watch "Family Circus Christmas" a cartoon I adored as a child. I quietly teared up wishing I could share a piece of my childhood with you the way I do my students. But then I realize once again, you know all of me. You are created of me. You are in a place where Jesus can show you my heart. I'm glad you'll never suffer the pain so many have to, but I'll always wish I could have changed things for you. I love you to Heaven and back. -Mommy