I've noticed how some of my closest friends can't hear me talk about Ryleigh. Even when I am just talking in general like what it was like to have a c section. The silence is recognized by me and truly at first it made me want to cut friendships. I thought, "Why is it ok for you to tell me about your children's births and I can't even mention mine with Ryleigh?"Travis is always quick to tell me that most people don't become silent because they don't care. They become silent because they care and don't want to say anything wrong. I respect that and therefore I sometimes just navigate away from sharing much about her. But that will never feel natural. Talking about her makes me feel normal. But this isn't the movies and people don't flock to the healing process the way they do on the screen. And that's ok too. They'll never know how my mind or heart work and that's ok. I'm glad they don't because those that even get a glimpse have experienced similar experiences.
The closer I get to John's birth my emotions are doing crazy things. It's almost like as I anticipate the best day, I also feel such sadness. I think it's because as a mom you want your family there for any big event. That's why people go home for Christmas and weddings because family is supposed to be there. So while I miss Ryleigh daily, my heart longs for her more. I want her to be there physically to get that first family of four photo and no one will ever know the pain of knowing she's missing in the picture. I know it will be a day full of happiness and the most emmense joy and I look forward to it so much. John I look forward to every single moment with you for the rest of your life and I don't want the loss of your sister to ever make you feel less. If anything, I'll know to cherish every single moment with you more. My love for you both is equal which is limitless. I'll spend a lifetime proving it to you through my actions and I'll spend a lifetime also trying to show your sister my love through actions as well. Things done in her honor. I just can't wait to meet you. I hope I don't mess up this mom thing.
Having a child after a loss called a rainbow and I think that's because while you still have rain showers of emotions that randomly pop up you also have joy. Rainbows only exist when rain and sun meet. And that's my emotions. Some days are so full of sunshine and some days my emotions win and both the joy and sadness combine.. and somehow I keep going and in that journey with God a beauty, a rainbow appears. I am thankful for both emotions because the sun or joy that is John has carried me out of a very dark place. The rain or the sadness means that I had someone worth loving and missing. But make it clear, knowing Ryleigh was not rain. It was beauty it was the loss that is the rain.
25 days and just like that I am a mom again. I can't wait for this opportunity. It's all I've prayed for and I can't wait to hold our baby John. I still don't feel like it's all real. It seems too easy this time. Too perfect, but every good gift is from God and I am surely glad he deems us worthy of parenthood twice. Our kids are technically not even 14 months apart. What a blessing. I love you both.