Stages of grief

The various stages of grief must have some truth to it because today I feel anger. The slightest things irritate me, things I would usually never get mad about. I don't even feel like me, I do at some moments I guess, but not really. I am capable of laughter and joy, but I still feel a huge part of me missing. People may think I am plum nuts to mourn our child that we only knew for a day. But I knew her when she was still a dream of ours, I celebrated the day I got pregnant, I jumped up and down like a fool when my dream of having a girl became a reality. & because of my lack of fluid I could literally feel her hold hands through my stomach w me. (Well press our hands together). To the left of my belly button, it was so reassuring and such precious moments. I ache to feel our creation in my belly. I feel only a woman who's carried would truly grasp the connection you feel to them when they move. And I'm not angry with God. I know He had good reason to call her home, for her good. But I'm just angry in general. I went into a dance store today w my niece to look for new dance shoes, & I had to walk out. Because dance recitals was already a dream. & I get mad that I'll never know what dreams we had for her would have played out. I'll never know her eye color, her laughter, heck even her cry. I'll never know it, and it kills me inside that I'll never know what who our beautiful baby girl would be. And then I feel guilty for being so sad like my time limit is up for mourning. Like I'm supposed to be better. So I try to be better, and sometimes I really am, but on nights like tonight I am not. I am releasing the feelings I held in while trying to shop my feelings away. For the record, I only came out poorer and still sad. I'm supposed to be getting my huge baby bump by now. Instead I desperately try to find something to cover my not gone down completely stomach and try to feel like an attractive person again, because that went out the window a long time ago.. When I got pregnant. I know one day I'll look back at this and I'll hopefully be rocking Ryleigh's sibling and I'll think of our first born and smile at the time we shared together. And I'll look at this post and see how dark my feelings were and I'll remember to be thankful for my better days that I'll hopefully be experiencing. Because life is a journey. It's filled with moments of greatest and times when you just don't feel like functioning. I feel less angry sharing it all, I'm still not posting online that I updated. I'm not ready for the world to know my true deep feelings Bc honestly I don't want to be known as the poor girl who just never got over something. Even though truthfully I'll never get over it, I don't want to get over the memory of our girl. But eventually time will heal me. For now I am searching with how to feel and act and wishing I could just know who I am through this all. I am searching for the "who am I now?" Part of life. I miss knowing who I was and not feeling like an empty and angry person. I did speak to someone today, a stranger in the mall as I walked by. That felt normal Bc I'm one to speak to people. Maybe that's a good sign. Ok well bed for me, I have church in morning. I get Ryleigh's baptism papers.