Saturday, September 19, 2015

At Peace

I doubt anyone cares to read this, and that's ok, it is my outlet.

Life has been rather fabulous lately. Life after grad school provides the time for me to be the family member and wife I always dreamed of being. It also has provided time to think, which isn't always good. However, I have made the decision to choose happiness lately. Every month I have a melt down when I realize once again I am not an expectant mother, this month though I chose to focus on the positive things that we do have in our lives. I'll explore them below.

*Some people never find true love, I know plenty of people that never do. I also know married couples who have to work hard every single day to stay together. (No judgement, we all have our own demons to face). However, Travis and I have never been that couple that fights and I mean it 100%. I am not saying we never have fought as a couple, but honestly our marriage has brought us closer together. There was a stage I personally went through where I missed our relationship being "new" and exciting, but I made it through that to appreciate the comfort of knowing every day is consistent: I am loved and he is loved. That's all the excitement I need, and he's good at throwing little curve balls at me. The other day he even told me "You look really pretty in light colored blue jeans and a t-shirt, you should wear them more often." He had no idea that I was having my "I feel so ugly week" and that he made me feel like a little girl who's crush had finally spoken to her. Anyway, the point is, I am blessed for the consistency in our love. He truly is my best friend. He would kill me for sharing this, but I mean this is what our messages consist of daily and I always always want to remember that even if we never have anyone but each other in this world that we are SO BLESSED.

Another positive thing about my life here lately is my family. I realize the distance of living in Hodge for so long and grad school made me an "absent" family member too often. Here lately though, I see my family all of the time. Today I went to see my sister's family and was tackled by my almost 7 year old niece and my heart lit up as she handed my a stack of like 6 drawings she had made me with my name "TEEN" clearly written all over each one. Then I had the joy of watching Baleigh with her three teeth attempting to walk (Don't worry girl, it won't be long now, just be thankful you have thick diapers for the falls!) My sister and I have had our peaks and valleys and luckily we are at a peak and she and my mother really always will be my very best friends. Sis and I talk every day now, and it's good for me and I think it's good for her to have that relationship. I get to spend time with mom and dad a lot more often too, and I love it. I realize more and more though that we are all aging and I know how important it is to make memories together.

My classroom is also on my positive list. Jenna and I started out our first year on two different pages, and by year 4 together we are so close. We spend our nap times having real conversations about our lives, and she probably knows me the most. I love that someone knows me so well, she knows my good side and bad side and still loves me as a friend. She gets to witness me sing and dance to Barney like songs daily and half the time she is jamming right along with me. I do need to make her quit making fun of my AWESOME drawings though. So hateful. I am also thankful to have Deanna Remore, who is my "phone a friend" after school to talk about our days (no one else gets working with the little bitties like she gets it). She has always been such a mentor to me and I love that we brainstorm together to figure out ways to get our students to learn things. We've moved past the work friendship too though, because we do life together. She and Jenna are my "persons".

School or "work" whatever you call it also has so much other great things to offer. I have PRECIOUS and smart little students who are always eager to learn. I have now taught my whole hall way so when I walk down the hall and previous students see me, I am like in celebrity status hearing my name being hollered out with big smiles and waves. To know that I have been a stepping stone into the big kids they are becoming is a good feeling. We are also in a really good place staff wise, everyone gets along well. It doesn't even feel forced, there is absolutely no tension. It's great! I have really good principals to work for, who are encouraging, which is needed with the paper work load I have. As a school and a community, we have had our hardships, but we have come out on a positive note. What a great thing it is to work with people who love you like family? I love them like family too. I've also become a TS Gold trainer over the summer for our parish and I have had the opportunity to grow professionally. That's always nice.

I am also at a very good place with friends. I don't have a whole lot that I consider myself super close to, but the ones I am close to, I am very close to. That's really all you need in life anyways.

See, lots to be thankful... but now to explain my feelings...

I have an appointment on November 17 (our wedding anniversary of all days) with a new doctor to explore infertility issues. I feel like I am having to mentally prepare myself for such a big appointment; I am well aware I can hear things that I don't like. Yet, I have such a peace about it now. I was listening to a Christian song in my car the other day on the way to work (Colt Dixon's latest) and I wasn't even thinking about the issue and out of no where I thought, "You'll be OK if you have a baby or if you don't have a baby". It was a strange feeling because I've had complete crazy meltdowns over the struggle of trying to conceive. The more I explored the thoughts in my mind, the more I was realizing that it was the Lord communicating with me in the quiet moments of my life. I realized He wants me to have peace in my life. He has this amazing plan that I am not in control of. It may be in HIS plan to not make us biological parents, maybe he knows something we don't know and he's saving us a heart ache or maybe he knows of a perfect baby or child that needs a loving home to be adopted into. You know God may just know that I fall in love with every single one of my students and that Travis loves children, and we may be that couple that was meant to adopt and take in a child who needs a loving home. I tear up the thought of having a child to care for and love. I used to think of adoption so differently, but I am realizing the best things that I got from my parents is who I am inside... the morals.. the memories..the determination. So if we do become parents through adoption I am ok with that, I'll always wonder what a child made of our DNA would have looked like or been like, but you know God has this amazing plan and I won't dwell on anything negative. Though we are exploring the idea of adoption, I don't want to seem as if we have given up as a couple, trust me, I will go to every doctor I can to try to have our own. (Then we may have our own and still adopt) who knows. I would like for everyone to continue to keep us uplifted in prayer. It's a trial for sure, but we have given it to the Lord. I am at peace. Until we figure out when or how we will become parents, I'll keep spoiling my nieces and my class. I LOVE kids and nothing will ever stop me from doing so.

Hope you have a blessed day! ~Christina