Monday, November 21, 2011


I used to dream of this...What it would be like--Falling in love. Though in my adolescence, I claimed to know it. I didn't. I had no clue what it was like to love someone as much as I do Travis. I never knew what it was like for my soul to really feel complete. I can understand how Eve is made of Adam, because I feel like I was never whole before I met him. As I sit and ponder at 3:30 am about my life, I remember what my life was like before him. I think to my apartment and the lonely nights crying and praying. I prayed for Travis nightly, but I had no clue who he'd be. I did not know it the second I met him, nor will I claim it. However, as each second ticked by in the moments I spent with him, it became more clear. He was the answer to my prayers.

I thank God for sending me someone that can help define happiness and help show me what this world really has to offer. I now understand how much love my parents had for one another. Love--it changes a person--honestly--not in just a beautiful quote sense. It has changed me. It has made me more mature, more confident in myself, happier, kinder, and better in the best of senses. He is my miracle. Though we don't have these sappy romantic conversations daily, we are both good at reassuring one another every day that we love each other, not only in words, but by actions. In the action of staying around me while I cry over tests with my hair pulled up like a nest. He reassures me of my intelligence and gives me a courage I never knew I had. He does it so naturally, I barely think he notices. He is just him. He makes me laugh, oh how he makes me laugh. I am sure in that sense we are soul-mates, we get each others odd sense of humor.

All of this wonderfulness fills me with fear. I have something for the first time in my life that would almost be unbearable to lose. I love him so much that it scares me, to the point I'd literately not know what I'd do if I lost him. That sounds morbid, I know, but I do not intend it to be. To me it is something beautiful, for once I have something so precious to treasure and worry about.

The first date-- I can still see his black truck pulling up as I stood by the paint-chipped apartment railings watching for him. I remember not knowing what to say, as I awkwardly stared out the window. We did not even talk until we were passing the ULM tennis courts, and that was just to state how much easier it was to talk on the phone. It was the best evening of my life up to that point, and I didn't even know it yet. The bond that would form after that day was incredible. I love him, I love his family, I love the little things that make him Travis.

People discuss finding the perfect man, but let me make this clear. There is no perfect man, but the perfect man for you. One that brings you closer to God by showing you the love God has placed in us. The man who has flaws that are seemingly invisible to you. When you find that love, you'll know, I never knew how "you'd know someone is the one", but you do. Compared to my other relationships, I consider him my first real relationship. How did I get so blessed??

Saturday, November 12, 2011

And the Dreams that You Dare to Dream Really do Come True

It's nearly 4 am. I call it dedication or insanity one. I am not sure. I just completed my 15 page final for psychology 411 and a 2 page paper to go along with it. I'm exhausted, but I needed to do something to calm my brain down before I passed out.

I found out I get to graduate wearing two cords. One for having a 3.8 and one for being in honor society. I will pretend they are gold when I wear them because I have spent years of my life dedicating myself to my studies. They've been fun memories though for the most part. Now they are just tiring. I am ready for grad school now, I actually cried when I was reading my application and starting on it. I can't believe I've finally made it that far. I may have cried from exhaustion, but it felt good to do so. Travis is amazing, he deals with my psychotic melt downs when I feel like I'm a chicken with my head cut off trying to complete stuff. Good thing because tomorrow I'll be tackling 6 hours or more worth of lectures and reading 300 pages of a book. Yeah.. we'll see how that goes?! I promise I do not procrastinate, I just have soooo much on my plate. Eh, enough complaining. If you ask why I am not doing my assignment right now I'll answer you--I'm sleepy and I don't do 4 am tests for the sake of my grades and understanding the material.

I made my first pinterest project the other day for my wedding. I'll have to take a picture and get it up. Yes, I know we're not engaged yet, but I know we'll spend forever together so why not get ahead of the game? I just need some burlap string to complete it. I love him without a shadow of a doubt. He is my very best friend who knows everything about me and loves the good and the bad aspects that make me--well me! He even deals with my OCD when I feel a little anxious. (That's getting way better though his support system helps me). Sometimes just the funny things he says lights up my world... and I enjoy future talks. I love knowing we will have a future together that God will lead us through.

6 classes to goooooo til I walk. YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY I can learn what it's like to have a life again... YAYYYYY!

Yeah, sorry, off track again. My brain works like that.

Please continue to pray for Aly Taylor as she battles vicious cancer and pray for her family and friends. It's a difficult time for them. Also pray for a 4 month baby (a friend's niece) who is battling for her life after the discovery of a tumor.

My friend Janna has her baby soon, super excited for her....she will be a great mother. I just found out her little man will be at CCP so I will get to see her and get to peak in at him! I love watching children grow. I can't wait to have my own. I really just want one, but I know myself there will be two. (Three if a girl hasn't made an appearance ;).}

I have to gear up for my GRE and all that fun stuff. I'll be taking all of that this spring and summer.

Anyways, my eyes are finally feeling droopy. The extra shots of caffeine have done their job well and are now giving up (thank gosh).

If anyone wants Scrooge tickets from our class we'd love for you to come, just ask me!!! They are free and it's a very good play that makes Christmas come alive!

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Looking out the window

My friends--very few people who are surrounded by me really know me, these days I barely remember who I am with the rustle, bustle of life. I am a deep thinker though, who covers it up with a smile (which is genuine, none the least). I obsess over thoughts and people call it a bad thing. I love that I am OCD and over emotional in some odd ways, because when I do something I do it 150% and when I care about someone I do it 150% also. OCD makes me good--emotionally drained--but good at life. My medicine now keeps me moderated and sometimes I just forget to take it. I feel more balanced in life now despite the fact I have a 100 things on my plate. It's hard to describe, but I am happy with where I am in life. I can now look back at life and realize how I am a large puzzle God is putting together in HIs time and in HIS way. I used to feel so lost about life and OBSESS over that, if you read my deep and sad journals you would see the darkness of the pages. I would write about God, but looking back, I did not trust giving my problems to him. I felt guilty for asking for guidance, when there are sick and good people in the world. Now, as I reflect being older, I realize God could take my problems. He is a great and mighty God who can heal the sick and help me if I only seek Him.

I ramble a lot. I enjoy rambling. It's therapy in a blog. Honestly, I could care less of opinions of this blog. This is me.

I am listening to the rain and soft piano of an art dvd I just completed watching. I am compelled to go buy classical music on my ipod. That's thinking music. The music I am generally surrounded with on "popular" radio stations do not provoke emotions or thoughts. This music and the rain--it does.

The sunrise is a thinking moment for me to. I love my drives. Sometimes I do not listen to radio at all, but take in my surroundings. This morning, I pondered, how great it is to finally find the one God intended me to be with. I used to look for the perfect man, but I now realize there is no perfect man or person, only a person that's perfect for me. My mom heard him singing before we ate the other day, and pointed out that I have ALWAYS sang before I ate. ALWAYS. Odd tid bit, but I never noticed that Travis and I had those things in common. He betters me. Honestly, he does. When I tear up over a B, well actually before I can he praises my efforts and makes me feel like I am worth something much bigger than a grade on my transcript. If people knew him like I know him, they would understand why even on my worst days I can muster up a smile. I had love wrong in my head, it's not all mushy gushy romance, it's real. It's good days, bad days, and everything in between. He's my best friend and there is honestly nothing that I can not tell him. I love how predicable he is, how I know I'll get a voicemail when he gets to work that will begin with "hey babe" every time and end with, "I love you". I love that we can dance around like crazies when LSU wins a game, or just have serious talks about God and life. People will never know him like that, and that is what makes me love him. I have brought out a side in him that only he knew, and he has brought out a side of me that only now he knows. It's really hard to explain, but I just did my best. I love that I waited on him and didn't settle. I'd wait a million more days if it meant knowing that he loves me.

Anyways, now back to art. I need to take my Rothko test, bless his heart, he had an amazing life as an artist. He wanted people to feel his painting emotionally...just as I secretly hope for people to feel the life I have in me and the love I have for making friends.

Until next time ---