Tuesday, August 2, 2016

What might have been

The what might have beens bother me the most late at night. Who would Ryleigh grow up to be? What would her hobbies be? What would she wear to prom? Who would she marry? Would she have kids? Would she be shy and quiet like daddy or loud and outgoing like mommy? Who would she be? My oldest niece stayed the night tonight and as she finally began winding down she asked me to "scratch my back like mom and nanny do please". As she drifted off smiling after I kissed her goodnight I did cry. I wondered, "What would I do as a mom for Ryleigh that she would have to remind Aunt Jen of?" Id like to think on nights like tonight when Trav was working she'd be curled up next to me just like Gracie. I'm very glad Gracie is here tonight Bc she's controlled my sadness and brought joy. Speaking of Joy, Ryleigh was named from the girl's name in "Inside Out". Travis and I watched it and he stated liking it... Then we pulled the leigh part after my grandfather. His great grandfather was a Riley. Her middle name, Ann, was after his sister who had passed, Dianna. Her name was just perfect. I loved seeing it written. Her name still is perfect. I really love you, sweet Ryleigh. I'm convinced God conveys my words of affection to her. I've been told I'm strong a 1000 times. People see "the representative" bc grieving I hard to do publicly. I hurt every day @ some point or another. I went walking the other day after a rain when the temp as bearable and wouldn't hurt my incision. I cried the whole time almost while talking to God and Ryleigh in prayers. I don't feel that's strong, I'm nuts. God is the strong one. His peace is the only reason I can function. I'm getting ready to begin good ole progesterone again, a drug that helped me get pregnant with our precious daughter. It's my crazy cry at any moment or scream like a mad woman pill. May God be with Travis and I both. I don't like being nuts, but this medicine doesn't play. But it'll be worth it if it helps prepare my body for Ryles siblings that we can try for in the spring. Until then, be patient with the girl crying while walking the neighborhood. Ok sleep is catching up. I love you, Ryleigh Pie.

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