Friday, January 15, 2016

Lonely house

People have praised how well I've handled our infertility issues. They like that my faith has grown and I seem to be in good spirits. My faith is strong, but nothing and I mean nothing about this is easy and I put on a positive spirit 50% of the time. Why? Because no one likes the woe is me person and I don't like the attention pity. (Which is why I'll never mske my blog public until I have some form of true peace. People are also weird around me with their kids like I have jealousy over their children. I am elated for anyone having a family, even despite our troubles. They are a true miracle. That's not to say that I never say, "Gosh, they have baby #3 on the way... What's the secret?! This past week I have been a basket case. I got three positives (faint Pink lines on dollar tree tests, but two beautiful visible lines. I got to send the texts to my husband and family declaring hope). I kept saying I won't trust it until blood shows it. Then as quickly as the lines appeared they began disappearing and the inevitable "You aren't having a baby this month" slap in the face came. The nurse called confused after I had ordered blood work for a pregnancy test as to why I needed my Clomid refilled. (Clomid can make you miscarry if you're pregnant). I had to explain that it was false positives or a faulty test, and she agreed with me that it could have been a chemical pregnancy. Basically, I was so close. But if I was to not have the child I would rather lose it before I ever saw a heart beat, my heart reaches out to any woman who ever met that horror. My nights when Travis is working feel very empty. That's when I notice the quiet of the house most. Anyways I am headed to bed. I still God ️thanks, it's just been a bad week.

Monday, January 4, 2016

The One Time I was Excited to Give Blood

It is so difficult for me to decide on what I want to publicly share or not, but i also want to track everything and I am too lazy to pull out my journal. After months of no positive indication of an LH surge, I finally had a surge a week ago. The test is quite similar to an over the counter pregnancy test, but it measures LH levels that let you know if your body is about to release an egg. (Gah, I am so tempted to delete now). Well, anyways the test is rather simple-- smiley or no smiley. I'm accustomed to the empty circle (like over the last 13 months I grew to hate it). So the day I finally got the smiley, I was in shock and squealing and thanking the Lord that the medicine seems to be doing its job. Today I went for blood work to confirm that my progestrone levels went up (this will confirm ovulation and give my doctor a basis as to if my progesteone prescription is strong enough. To date, it was the happiest I've ever been to give blood. Now, I wait. It is mind consuming-- like I am trying to tell myself to focus on other things consuming. My sister had progesterone problems with all of her pregnancies, and even suffered miscarriages. Therefore, I know how serious the levels can be and I am thankful I am taking progesterone over the counter. I have chosen Joy lately and I've not obsessed my usual amount (struggling to have a baby and being OCD by nature is no picnic!) I have hope in God's word though. I claim victory in the bloodwork, and I give thanks to God for the healthy baby I just know that we will meet in God's sweet timing.