We have been trying to conceive now for 10 months, and I just now really began to begin my worrying. So I went to the doctor this past week to have blood work drawn and an ultra sound basically confirm that I'm not ovulating. This could be due to closed tubes or my system could simply need medication to boost activity. So next week I get to start checking my temperature every month. I'm also trying to get a second doctor's opinion. I'm devastated at the thought that we might not get to have children the good ole fashioned way. I'm even more devastated at the thought of never having children at all. Like I get sick to my stomach worrying over it. Travis is so supportive saying God is just taking his time making our perfect child. I try to hold on to my religious belief system, but that's not to say that I never get discouraged. Today I've felt anger. I hear about these folks abusing their babies and having 3 kids in the home and here we are zero kids and I know in my heart we would be so good to our child.
I do need to clear up that there is no anger or jealousy towards my friends that do have children or are pregnant, I'm estatic for you! I really am, I would never wish the waiting game on anyone. I know the moments of heartache I feel. With that being said, is it hard to hear pregnancy announcements? Yes and no. Yes, because my mind races to "What is wrong with my body?!" However, I also get excited at the thought that my friends get to bring in a little human being to love, and I get a little bit of hope that maybe some day in the near future it will be our announcement.
I just feel we did everything right. We got married, I finished school, we established careers, bought a house, and saved some money. We tried everything in us to pave a great life for our child(ren) before trying to conceive. Again, today I feel anger and that's probably the devil, but I've learned that this subject is just as awkward to talk about as death is to some. I hear the responses, "It'll happen when you quit stressing"... I know people mean well, but easier said than done. I also hear,"It's all in God's timing", but I ask myself how do I know it's in God's plan for me to have biological children? I know plenty of Christians who couldn't have biological children. We've discussed adoption if we exhaust our trying or ever just get told no. So I do believe that a child will come in His timing, I just wonder if it will be one that I carry. No matter what we have already taken a vow to love whatever child God sends us as our own. I hate the unknown--absolutely hate it. Probably my worse downfall as a Christian, because I know I should never worry. I should just pray..& trust me we do. However I have yet to turn off the worry button in my head.
Anyway, there's our present life story. There's why I awkwardly say I'm praying when others ask when or why we haven't began a family. I just say it's in God's hands, and it is. We can't wait to share the love that we have established in this home. For now... We keep praying and "searching" for answers. I really don't want sympathy nor attention, but maybe you guys could send up a prayer.