Dear sweetie

Ryleigh: I miss you. I still miss the what would have been too, but I also realize that no matter what my pain won't somehow reverse time and I can't relive any moments. I wish I could have changed things. I would have given anything, even my own life to keep you alive. I didn't cry today, I tried to stay busy to avoid crying. But I still wake thinking of you and I still love you. I listened to your heart beat elephant earlier. The sound of your heart beat is so special to me, I'm thankful sis bought me the elephant. Bedtime for me. I love you sweetie. Please know I am so pleased you are healed and at peace with God. I miss you, but I know you are with our maker. I love you, Mom

Trying to live your old happy lifestyle with a heartache

I ache daily. I function, but the absence of Ryleigh is with me daily. Mostly late at night is when I miss her the most because that's when she'd be my sweet wiggles. I'd give anything to feel that beautiful angel touch me again. Work has been well, I won't lie the first day was difficult because some of my precious babies that I taught wanted to know how my baby was doing (they really were so excited for me) and I'm usually at a loss for words. I mean how do you tell a child your baby didn't make it? I usually just explain God wanted me to just make an angel to watch over us. I did run to my classroom at nap and luckily with them all asleep I could have my quiet cry and rock and roll. The next day was much better and I was just me. I brought sweet girl a flower arrangement and a July birthstone thing to the cemetery yesterday evening. I like being there I can just talk to her. I still just wish I could change things. My dreams and heart are crushed.

Our angel

Some posts are happier than others and some are not. Today my post is pretty positive. We were given a weenie dog and he's a lot of work, but it keeps my mind occupied and he's pretty dang cute so it's worth it. Back to school seems to be going well. Open house was successful in meeting lots of nice people. One student told me "I am so sorry your baby died, I have prayed for you." And I was touched by the love of a child, but it didn't make me cry. She had the saddest look and to cheer her up I explained that God wanted a beautiful angel and that's what she is. I told her she would watch over all of us and that sweet baby smiled so big. My biggest fear was explaining to a child why I wasn't pregnant anymore or them asking to see my baby, and me crying like a crazy woman. But in true me fashion I kept it professional and held it together. Some days I am content and some days I ache. Mainly at night, but I began progesterone again to keep my cycles regulated so I can try again for sibling in the spring. The thought excites and terrifies me all at the same time. I know God will provide. Lots of love. -Christina love you sweet baby girl!

Firsts

There will never be a first day of school for Ryleigh. I know I'll one day be a mother somehow, but for Ryleigh I'll never have that day. You don't realize how many dreams a mother has for a child, until she's robbed of those dreams. I feel robbed. I don't feel robbed by God, just robbed in general. I feel sadness for the "firsts" I'll miss out on. I even had her a newborn Halloween costume chosen for her first Halloween. Tomorrow my oldest niece goes to second grade and that sweet angel is so excited. I did her "back to school sign". I want to feel like I'm special in the back to school world. I'm thankful my sister allows me to be so much of a part of her kids' lives. Ok bed for me. Love you Rye Pie. We will have our firsts in Heaven. Until then I'll just be living and trying my darndest to make it through happily.

When sun seeps through.. Getting reminded

As a warning I am not as bubbly tonight, even the best fall down sometimes (as a great song once said). Today was a good day, a day I felt like me. Ok kinda like me. And I decided it's going to be a good day, I even appreciated being stuck behind a tractor. Then I get tagged to a post that had 22 weeks old babies on it and asked if I would like to share my thoughts on a controversial issue. No. I don't. I am not controversial in the first place and I will not use my baby to be involved in politics. Maybe that makes me wrong. I know people mean well, but sometimes I just want to be me. I want to feel like me. I don't want to be reminded of my dark cloud that never leaves me. But I mean sometimes my dark cloud has sunshine pouring into it and when you tag me to something about a baby dying it sends me into a tail spin. Yes I rejoiced that I met Ryleigh and I find joy knowing she's with God. But I feel sadness for losing my daughter and while some say they only feel joy about hearing about her, I feel everything. Joy for knowing her and joy for God in heaven... But the mom in me feels anger (not at God just in general). The mom in me feels the deepest pain, utter grief, confusion, fear, etc... And I struggle thinking someone would think I felt nothing but joy. Then I tell myself to not feel guilty for feeling different things because I am human. I need to grieve the same way that is good for me. My daughter and my God are joy. But death, it's hard, even people in the Bible mourned. I love you all... To sleep I go.

My summer was a miracle

Well summer break is coming to an end shortly and I have mixed feelings about it all. This was definitely a summer I'll never forget. A summer I never want to forget. People assume because Ryleigh passed that I consider it a terrible summer, but this summer I felt our baby that we prayed for so long move and wiggle in my womb. I got to sing to her every night and feel her react to my music. Though the bedrest was a challenge, it's a challenge j would choose a zillion times more. Then guess what?! I got to hold our precious child, I got to feel her tiny long fingers wrap around my index fingers, I got to stare into her eyes, sing to her, kiss her, and dedicate her to God. She passed in my arms, a detail I haven't shared with many, but she went peacefully sleeping on my chest. No sudden movements, just slipped into the hands of the Lord. Which makes my heart ache at the thought of our earthly goodbye, but I know where our child is and I've accepted God chose to call her home to take care of her. So while I did experience the most emotional pain I've ever faced, I also got to experience the deepest love I could ever fathom. Ever. Thank you, God. Just a year ago I shared that we were struggling with conceiving and just one year later I got to share the summer of "Ryleigh" and God made us parents. I think of Steel Magnolias, "I rather have 30 minutes of wonderful than a lifetime full of nothing special." So I had a miraculous summer for the fact that I held our miracle and I was given 26 beautiful weeks with our girl. Do I still have my moments? Heck yes, I woke up crying at 5 am the other day. Travis held me through it. After church I had a meltdown like no other and my mom helped talk me through it. I cried that I thought by now the grief would pass, like at this point the world expects me to be "ok" (as if grief has a time-line). But then I realize grief doesn't have a timeline. I feel every person is entitled to take as long as they need. I also believe when you lose someone with your blood you truly never get over the loss, you just learn to live again with a piece of your heart somewhere else. You still laugh and you live your life accordingly so Heaven is attainable. Today was a good day, I only cried once while copying my photos of her onto a jump drive. I need to get them printed but haven't been that brave yet. The photos for me are extremely personal and no one will ever see them except immediate family because I want to respect our baby girl and not parade her photos. I will say that they turned out beautiful and the photos did a fabulous job at capturing the emotions that day. There is one of us as a family of three where you can read the love on all three of our faces and I adore it. I'm so glad we got to have a family photo together while sweet girl was alive and with us. I intended to write about back to school, but I guess I wrote about Ryles instead. I have a feeling that's who I'll continue to be as a mother... Always thinking about my kids and little about me anymore. I'll take that. I look forward to our journey as parents. I can't wait to meet who Ryleigh's sibling(s) will be. I just know God will bless us with a wonderful family to raise and I praise Him in advance and I praise Him for Ryleigh. I love you sweet girl, mommy had a great summer meeting you.

Stages of grief

The various stages of grief must have some truth to it because today I feel anger. The slightest things irritate me, things I would usually never get mad about. I don't even feel like me, I do at some moments I guess, but not really. I am capable of laughter and joy, but I still feel a huge part of me missing. People may think I am plum nuts to mourn our child that we only knew for a day. But I knew her when she was still a dream of ours, I celebrated the day I got pregnant, I jumped up and down like a fool when my dream of having a girl became a reality. & because of my lack of fluid I could literally feel her hold hands through my stomach w me. (Well press our hands together). To the left of my belly button, it was so reassuring and such precious moments. I ache to feel our creation in my belly. I feel only a woman who's carried would truly grasp the connection you feel to them when they move. And I'm not angry with God. I know He had good reason to call her home, for her good. But I'm just angry in general. I went into a dance store today w my niece to look for new dance shoes, & I had to walk out. Because dance recitals was already a dream. & I get mad that I'll never know what dreams we had for her would have played out. I'll never know her eye color, her laughter, heck even her cry. I'll never know it, and it kills me inside that I'll never know what who our beautiful baby girl would be. And then I feel guilty for being so sad like my time limit is up for mourning. Like I'm supposed to be better. So I try to be better, and sometimes I really am, but on nights like tonight I am not. I am releasing the feelings I held in while trying to shop my feelings away. For the record, I only came out poorer and still sad. I'm supposed to be getting my huge baby bump by now. Instead I desperately try to find something to cover my not gone down completely stomach and try to feel like an attractive person again, because that went out the window a long time ago.. When I got pregnant. I know one day I'll look back at this and I'll hopefully be rocking Ryleigh's sibling and I'll think of our first born and smile at the time we shared together. And I'll look at this post and see how dark my feelings were and I'll remember to be thankful for my better days that I'll hopefully be experiencing. Because life is a journey. It's filled with moments of greatest and times when you just don't feel like functioning. I feel less angry sharing it all, I'm still not posting online that I updated. I'm not ready for the world to know my true deep feelings Bc honestly I don't want to be known as the poor girl who just never got over something. Even though truthfully I'll never get over it, I don't want to get over the memory of our girl. But eventually time will heal me. For now I am searching with how to feel and act and wishing I could just know who I am through this all. I am searching for the "who am I now?" Part of life. I miss knowing who I was and not feeling like an empty and angry person. I did speak to someone today, a stranger in the mall as I walked by. That felt normal Bc I'm one to speak to people. Maybe that's a good sign. Ok well bed for me, I have church in morning. I get Ryleigh's baptism papers.

What might have been

The what might have beens bother me the most late at night. Who would Ryleigh grow up to be? What would her hobbies be? What would she wear to prom? Who would she marry? Would she have kids? Would she be shy and quiet like daddy or loud and outgoing like mommy? Who would she be? My oldest niece stayed the night tonight and as she finally began winding down she asked me to "scratch my back like mom and nanny do please". As she drifted off smiling after I kissed her goodnight I did cry. I wondered, "What would I do as a mom for Ryleigh that she would have to remind Aunt Jen of?" Id like to think on nights like tonight when Trav was working she'd be curled up next to me just like Gracie. I'm very glad Gracie is here tonight Bc she's controlled my sadness and brought joy. Speaking of Joy, Ryleigh was named from the girl's name in "Inside Out". Travis and I watched it and he stated liking it... Then we pulled the leigh part after my grandfather. His great grandfather was a Riley. Her middle name, Ann, was after his sister who had passed, Dianna. Her name was just perfect. I loved seeing it written. Her name still is perfect. I really love you, sweet Ryleigh. I'm convinced God conveys my words of affection to her. I've been told I'm strong a 1000 times. People see "the representative" bc grieving I hard to do publicly. I hurt every day @ some point or another. I went walking the other day after a rain when the temp as bearable and wouldn't hurt my incision. I cried the whole time almost while talking to God and Ryleigh in prayers. I don't feel that's strong, I'm nuts. God is the strong one. His peace is the only reason I can function. I'm getting ready to begin good ole progesterone again, a drug that helped me get pregnant with our precious daughter. It's my crazy cry at any moment or scream like a mad woman pill. May God be with Travis and I both. I don't like being nuts, but this medicine doesn't play. But it'll be worth it if it helps prepare my body for Ryles siblings that we can try for in the spring. Until then, be patient with the girl crying while walking the neighborhood. Ok sleep is catching up. I love you, Ryleigh Pie.