Friday, August 11, 2017

Rainbow ramblings

People tend to flock to movies about loss and overcoming it. Hollywood makes millions and people like me have always flocked to movies and books that evict emotion. The kind that make you soul search. But the funny thing is when you live those emotions those movies not only become a sad movie. It becomes your life. You become the main actress fighting through emotions. Only people don't always flock to you like they do the movies, because you are a reminder that your worst nightmare can be a reality. That sad things don't just happen in movies.

I've noticed how some of my closest friends can't hear me talk about Ryleigh. Even when I am just talking in general like what it was like to have a c section. The silence is recognized by me and truly at first it made me want to cut friendships. I thought, "Why is it ok for you to tell me about your children's births and I can't even mention mine with Ryleigh?"Travis is always quick to tell me that most people don't become silent because they don't care. They become silent because they care and don't want to say anything wrong. I respect that and therefore I sometimes just navigate away from sharing much about her. But that will never feel natural. Talking about her makes me feel normal. But this isn't the movies and people don't flock to the healing process the way they do on the screen. And that's ok too. They'll never know how my mind or heart work and that's ok. I'm glad they don't because those that even get a glimpse have experienced similar experiences.

The closer I get to John's birth my emotions are doing crazy things. It's almost like as I anticipate the best day, I also feel such sadness. I think it's because as a mom you want your family there for any big event. That's why people go home for Christmas and weddings because family is supposed to be there. So while I miss Ryleigh daily, my heart longs for her more. I want her to be there physically to get that first family of four photo and no one will ever know the pain of knowing she's missing in the picture. I know it will be a day full of happiness and the most emmense joy and I look forward to it so much. John I look forward to every single moment with you for the rest of your life and I don't want the loss of your sister to ever make you feel less. If anything, I'll know to cherish every single moment with you more. My love for you both is equal which is limitless. I'll spend a lifetime proving it to you through my actions and I'll spend a lifetime also trying to show your sister my love through actions as well. Things done in her honor. I just can't wait to meet you. I hope I don't mess up this mom thing.

Having a child after a loss called a rainbow and I think that's because while you still have rain showers of emotions that randomly pop up you also have joy. Rainbows only exist when rain and sun meet. And that's my emotions. Some days are so full of sunshine and some days my emotions win and both the joy and sadness combine.. and somehow I keep going and in that journey with God a beauty, a rainbow appears. I am thankful for both emotions because the sun or joy that is John has carried me out of a very dark place. The rain or the sadness means that I had someone worth loving and missing. But make it clear, knowing Ryleigh was not rain. It was beauty it was the loss that is the rain.

25 days and just like that I am a mom again. I can't wait for this opportunity. It's all I've prayed for and I can't wait to hold our baby John. I still don't feel like it's all real. It seems too easy this time. Too perfect, but every good gift is from God and I am surely glad he deems us worthy of parenthood twice. Our kids are technically not even 14 months apart. What a blessing. I love you both.

Thursday, August 10, 2017

Love you two so

John: You're wiggling in my belly. I'm listening to "Oh My Soul" by Casting Crowns. You bring me so much joy. It's hard to describe how much sadness I can feel and how much happiness I can feel all at once. I wish your sister could be here with us. I selfishly wish I could tuck our boy and girl in. I wish I could see y'all play together. But I know our family will be whole one day. I know it. Heaven is so real. I feel Ryleigh close to my heart often. I feel God close to me. I see the evidence of a loving God when I feel you move in me. I love you more than you can ever imagine and you'll likely never understand just how much I've prayed for you. I can't even imagine what it'll be like to bring a baby home from the hospital. I know it is a special moment for all parents. But it will be one of those moments that are huge for me. I will never be able to describe the pain I felt when I was wheeled out of the hospital last July when the lady pushing me asked where my baby was. I had never felt more empty handed. So please know when I hold you as I am wheeled out I will cherish that moment and hold you like my treasure. I love you and sissy so much. -Mom