Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Nothing would make our goodbye easier

Someone told me yesterday that someone said it would have been easier on me if Ryleigh was a "simple miscarriage" (as if that's even possible for miscarriage to be simple for a woman) or if she would have been stillborn. The person who told me didn't tell me the source who said such a thoughtless thing, but just the same I want to address that notion for my own mental health. Did it hurt to lose our baby girl?!! Yes, God knows my deepest feelings of mourning and mine and Trav's life. But what you don't know is how amazing it was to have her alive. I was told almost the whole pregnancy it would never happen and guess what?! God let me give birth via c section to a beautiful beautiful child. The moment we learned that she was only 266 grams we knew she would meet God soon and of course our world shattered in a thousand pieces, but I kept it together. I held our baby and she literally cuddled my chest and held mine and trav's finger. Then the miraculous happened she opened her eyes and looked at me and doctor Wilson swore to my parents she smiled at me (I thought she did too). I got to stare into the creation God let us make eyes. It was the greatest moment of our lives and will remain the greatest moment of my life. Then she made this almost baby bird like squeak... Nothing that sounded like distress but more of a "hi mom and dad". Travis and I both said awe and I was able to tell my Miss Wiggles how sweet and perfect she was. Then I was able to pray over her and study her features. A combo of our eyes, my cheeks and nose, Travs lips and long legs... She really is so beautiful y'all. Then I was able to allow our families meet her and kiss her and she was able to get baptized. I also got to sing "Slow Down" our la-la-la song I sang to her every night. All while in my arms. They continuously checked her heart beat and she would still be with us and I was thankful to know I had more time. More time to hold our precious angel alive. They will always be some of my most precious moments of my life. And even when she was announced passed at 11:09 am and my heart had a piece go to heaven with our baby...I was so thankful to have met our baby. I am so thankful to God for those moments. I wouldn't have hurt any more or less had her passing been differently. A mother and a father's love is present from the first positive test. I'm so thankful to God that he gave me time with our baby. Precious time to hold our very small daughter who grew in my womb. I got to meet the life I knew inside of my belly. That alone is such a precious moment to me. I'll forever miss her and I usually cry a few times a day, but I know that I'll see our sweet girl in Heaven. I look forward to the sweet day I walk in and can hold her again. Until then I look forward to giving her some siblings and will take on the world day by day. There will be joy, there is always joy to be found. I'll be ok and so will Trav. We will just always live with a piece of our hearts in heaven. We love you Ryleigh.

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