Preparing my heart is impossible

Everyone already knows what is going on, and I often hear that people have no idea how they would mentally go through it. I need to state that I am crazy. Best way to put it. I have to hear that our sweet baby, who wiggles inside of me every night, who we've mentally and physically already bonded with will die before we ever meet her. Our child is 20 weeks in size (as an average, some body parts measuring lower), and growth is extremely slow due to my placenta insufficiency. (Something I have been told was not my fault and happened at conception). Mentally, I still have guilt that my body isn't providing her enough blood. Then there is the thought of labor, I mean labor is scary. I've been nervous about that part since before trying. I know it's got pain involved. But I've always been ready because we get a precious crying baby at the end. Now I am told my baby will likely be still born. I will hear no cries. That's more painful than labor alone could ever be, and while I am thankful I am alive, this is a situation I wish I could just close my eyes really tight and disappear to Neverland. I feel so sick over it all. Sick. I'm also at risk of high blood pressure setting in, pre clampsia is very common with folks like me. My pressure is already steadily creeping up which could also force me to induce labor even when she has a heart beat. If we don't then I could die too. So I try to stay calm while literally in a storm of emotions. Then I think of how my goodbye may have to go. How do you say bye to literally something made of half you? It is gut wrenching and I pray some form of the Holy Spirit enters my body at that moment because I can't fathom doing it. This post is raw and something I won't likely share for a while, but I need an outlet tonight as sleep doesn't come to me at all at night. I need God's light from the sun on me for me to be ok. There is nothing about me that feels like me except when I talk to Travis, who gets it because it's his daughter too. My friends send me snap chats or texts to try to cheer me or check on me and while I am grateful someone still thinks of me I rarely reply. Even to the really funny snaps.. Bc honestly my ability to laugh has been hindered. Nothing in the world seems very important these days. They will one day, but not right now. I keep telling myself that I can get through this, that I will one day be normal. And one day I will because as a couple we've decided we have to force ourselves to go do things, even when we don't want to. We have to force ourselves to put one foot in front of the other. We've decided that we won't let the devil steal our joy from life forever. We will mourn and then we will try to find an ounce of happiness everyday until we can feel happy without trying. I've wondered if I will need therapy, maybe just some spiritual counseling at church, maybe some Meds? I've always been against medication for happiness, but maybe that's because I've always been happy naturally. I've never known pain like this. Then I wonder am I taking it harder than the natural human being? I mean I am overly emotional? Or would everyone be as crazy as me? Then I worry about her suffering because while I want her to stay alive forever, I also worry about her suffering bc of my stupid body not "sharing blood correctly". No mom wants to think that their kid is in trouble. We did find out one day, when we are mentally ready we will go on to have children with likely "no complications". At one point at the beginning I didn't know if I could even try again, but within time I am sure in my heart we will try again. We've even got our names picked out. I would be treated super high risk and watched like a hawk, but the problem will likely never occur ever again. Our problem this time was a "one in a million". Then I worry that people will worry about talking about their kids to me, like they'll automatically think I am some bitter woman. Then I worry that my students' parents will automatically assume I have something against their kid, when honestly this upcoming class will be viewed with new eyes and I'll remember that even the child that misbehaves from time to time is someone's whole world. That I will likely show a little more kindness and patience. I hope if anyone ever runs across the particular post my real feelings don't scare you from liking me as a person. I am a Christian and I know God will see me through with time.