My Summer is an emotional blur

I tried realllly hard to sleep at night this time. I succeeded from 11-3. Then I read my new "self help book" "Praying Through Hard Times" which discusses not only dealing with tough situations in a Christian manner, but also lets you explore similar situations in the Bible. It has touched on things I've pondered, one being "Why do some non believers who abuse their kids get to have kids and I struggle so?" (Hard to admit my mind asked that because I now realize somehow over time I put myself on a pedestal as a Christian over "sinners" and guess what? We are all sinners, me included). The book helped point out that though others who may not know God may seem to have an "easier life" from the outside that God doesn't want me to compare. It also points out how blessed I am to have belief in God during a hard time and how I'll one day be saved forever. So I find myself in a new place yet again spiritually realizing though our situation is so hard, we are saved and the pain we experience on earth won't be forever. & that rather than comparing myself to others I should pray for them. So that's a new goal. Mentally & spiritually I find myself to be a different woman. I've already begun my battle with depression and not letting the devil steal the joy that God brings. I still hold on to hope that this baby girl of ours can defy science, because God has been doing that. Then I find myself thinking that I'm crazy and need to be realistic, but faith is believing that the impossible can be possible. I also worry about if I'm selfish, I pray to God that I want Ryleigh to have a great life and for His will over her life. I also try hard to not become the "pity me" person and feel sorry for myself Bc the blessing of being a mother alone is huge. I will tell you this, this has been the longest summer of my life where nights and days blend into emotional blurs. Yet I keep praying, "Let her stay with me longer". Though my pain is great, the aching to raise our child is greater. I'm so ready for our break through. I pray every appointment to be the one where things turn around. But I realize God's way is not my way, and I have accepted His will either way. I try to note every single time I feel her, I've become obsessed with noting the time. It's the most precious thing I'll ever feel. I'm so thankful to be Ryleigh Ann's mom. I once started this blog while searching for Love. Looking back God heard my prayer loud and clear, and answered it in His time perfectly. He also answered my prayer to be a parent. Now I pray to be a parent and raise healthy children in our house. I'll trust He knows what He's doing.