Lonely house

People have praised how well I've handled our infertility issues. They like that my faith has grown and I seem to be in good spirits. My faith is strong, but nothing and I mean nothing about this is easy and I put on a positive spirit 50% of the time. Why? Because no one likes the woe is me person and I don't like the attention pity. (Which is why I'll never mske my blog public until I have some form of true peace. People are also weird around me with their kids like I have jealousy over their children. I am elated for anyone having a family, even despite our troubles. They are a true miracle. That's not to say that I never say, "Gosh, they have baby #3 on the way... What's the secret?! This past week I have been a basket case. I got three positives (faint Pink lines on dollar tree tests, but two beautiful visible lines. I got to send the texts to my husband and family declaring hope). I kept saying I won't trust it until blood shows it. Then as quickly as the lines appeared they began disappearing and the inevitable "You aren't having a baby this month" slap in the face came. The nurse called confused after I had ordered blood work for a pregnancy test as to why I needed my Clomid refilled. (Clomid can make you miscarry if you're pregnant). I had to explain that it was false positives or a faulty test, and she agreed with me that it could have been a chemical pregnancy. Basically, I was so close. But if I was to not have the child I would rather lose it before I ever saw a heart beat, my heart reaches out to any woman who ever met that horror. My nights when Travis is working feel very empty. That's when I notice the quiet of the house most. Anyways I am headed to bed. I still God ️thanks, it's just been a bad week.