My friends--very few people who are surrounded by me really know me, these days I barely remember who I am with the rustle, bustle of life. I am a deep thinker though, who covers it up with a smile (which is genuine, none the least). I obsess over thoughts and people call it a bad thing. I love that I am OCD and over emotional in some odd ways, because when I do something I do it 150% and when I care about someone I do it 150% also. OCD makes me good--emotionally drained--but good at life. My medicine now keeps me moderated and sometimes I just forget to take it. I feel more balanced in life now despite the fact I have a 100 things on my plate. It's hard to describe, but I am happy with where I am in life. I can now look back at life and realize how I am a large puzzle God is putting together in HIs time and in HIS way. I used to feel so lost about life and OBSESS over that, if you read my deep and sad journals you would see the darkness of the pages. I would write about God, but looking back, I did not trust giving my problems to him. I felt guilty for asking for guidance, when there are sick and good people in the world. Now, as I reflect being older, I realize God could take my problems. He is a great and mighty God who can heal the sick and help me if I only seek Him.
I ramble a lot. I enjoy rambling. It's therapy in a blog. Honestly, I could care less of opinions of this blog. This is me.
I am listening to the rain and soft piano of an art dvd I just completed watching. I am compelled to go buy classical music on my ipod. That's thinking music. The music I am generally surrounded with on "popular" radio stations do not provoke emotions or thoughts. This music and the rain--it does.
The sunrise is a thinking moment for me to. I love my drives. Sometimes I do not listen to radio at all, but take in my surroundings. This morning, I pondered, how great it is to finally find the one God intended me to be with. I used to look for the perfect man, but I now realize there is no perfect man or person, only a person that's perfect for me. My mom heard him singing before we ate the other day, and pointed out that I have ALWAYS sang before I ate. ALWAYS. Odd tid bit, but I never noticed that Travis and I had those things in common. He betters me. Honestly, he does. When I tear up over a B, well actually before I can he praises my efforts and makes me feel like I am worth something much bigger than a grade on my transcript. If people knew him like I know him, they would understand why even on my worst days I can muster up a smile. I had love wrong in my head, it's not all mushy gushy romance, it's real. It's good days, bad days, and everything in between. He's my best friend and there is honestly nothing that I can not tell him. I love how predicable he is, how I know I'll get a voicemail when he gets to work that will begin with "hey babe" every time and end with, "I love you". I love that we can dance around like crazies when LSU wins a game, or just have serious talks about God and life. People will never know him like that, and that is what makes me love him. I have brought out a side in him that only he knew, and he has brought out a side of me that only now he knows. It's really hard to explain, but I just did my best. I love that I waited on him and didn't settle. I'd wait a million more days if it meant knowing that he loves me.
Anyways, now back to art. I need to take my Rothko test, bless his heart, he had an amazing life as an artist. He wanted people to feel his painting emotionally...just as I secretly hope for people to feel the life I have in me and the love I have for making friends.
Until next time ---
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