Oh hello, baby.

So obviously the greatest news of our life happened in February. However, though I have felt some changes I skipped the morning sickness, but wrong I was. Though I have kept myself from losing any food (is that the polite enough way to put it?) Tonight has been bad enough that ginger ale and a walLy world bag are bedside. To think I was even feeling like I missed out on a passage hood for being a parent. I actually kinda wanted to experience morning sickness so i could retell my "pregnant says". Yip, I was cray. However this is the best sickness i have ever experienced. I've never been more thankful to feel so sick.

Lonely house

People have praised how well I've handled our infertility issues. They like that my faith has grown and I seem to be in good spirits. My faith is strong, but nothing and I mean nothing about this is easy and I put on a positive spirit 50% of the time. Why? Because no one likes the woe is me person and I don't like the attention pity. (Which is why I'll never mske my blog public until I have some form of true peace. People are also weird around me with their kids like I have jealousy over their children. I am elated for anyone having a family, even despite our troubles. They are a true miracle. That's not to say that I never say, "Gosh, they have baby #3 on the way... What's the secret?! This past week I have been a basket case. I got three positives (faint Pink lines on dollar tree tests, but two beautiful visible lines. I got to send the texts to my husband and family declaring hope). I kept saying I won't trust it until blood shows it. Then as quickly as the lines appeared they began disappearing and the inevitable "You aren't having a baby this month" slap in the face came. The nurse called confused after I had ordered blood work for a pregnancy test as to why I needed my Clomid refilled. (Clomid can make you miscarry if you're pregnant). I had to explain that it was false positives or a faulty test, and she agreed with me that it could have been a chemical pregnancy. Basically, I was so close. But if I was to not have the child I would rather lose it before I ever saw a heart beat, my heart reaches out to any woman who ever met that horror. My nights when Travis is working feel very empty. That's when I notice the quiet of the house most. Anyways I am headed to bed. I still God ️thanks, it's just been a bad week.

The One Time I was Excited to Give Blood

It is so difficult for me to decide on what I want to publicly share or not, but i also want to track everything and I am too lazy to pull out my journal. After months of no positive indication of an LH surge, I finally had a surge a week ago. The test is quite similar to an over the counter pregnancy test, but it measures LH levels that let you know if your body is about to release an egg. (Gah, I am so tempted to delete now). Well, anyways the test is rather simple-- smiley or no smiley. I'm accustomed to the empty circle (like over the last 13 months I grew to hate it). So the day I finally got the smiley, I was in shock and squealing and thanking the Lord that the medicine seems to be doing its job. Today I went for blood work to confirm that my progestrone levels went up (this will confirm ovulation and give my doctor a basis as to if my progesteone prescription is strong enough. To date, it was the happiest I've ever been to give blood. Now, I wait. It is mind consuming-- like I am trying to tell myself to focus on other things consuming. My sister had progesterone problems with all of her pregnancies, and even suffered miscarriages. Therefore, I know how serious the levels can be and I am thankful I am taking progesterone over the counter. I have chosen Joy lately and I've not obsessed my usual amount (struggling to have a baby and being OCD by nature is no picnic!) I have hope in God's word though. I claim victory in the bloodwork, and I give thanks to God for the healthy baby I just know that we will meet in God's sweet timing.

Getting "Lost"

Christmas break, the best break of the year has been a good and relaxing one thus far. The weather has been rather springy, but nothing to complain about. I have been heart broken over the tornadoes that have been slamming the south. I have been praying for all of those affected. It's funny how vulnerable we are as humans, our lives can change in an instant. That is why I am thankful that I serve and love a God who loves me. I could perish tomorrow, but I am promised eternity because of His son Jesus Christ and my salvation. I used to fear death, but now see it as some Devine plan, God knows our future. I do however fear death of a loved one, but that's the selfish nature of being human. My heart always aches for those saying "goodbye for a while" to their loved ones.

Enough with my morbidness, I want to talk of life. I declare in Jesus name there will be a little life that grows up in our household. I don't know when, I don't know how, but I know there will be! January marks month 14. I have had friends who began trying after me already have their babies. It is such a long journey, but I can't wait to declare the miracle of our baby one day. I am now up to 100 mg of Clomid and progesterone pills. They basically make me a basket case, but well worth upping my chances. Having a baby sometimes consumes my mind, again human nature. We live in a world of instant gratification, but some of the best things that ever occurred in my life took longer than others.

I graduated college way later than my friends, I found my husband later in life, I started my career later in life. I watched my friends begin working, falling in love, etc... All before me, but my wait for all of the things were in perfect timing. Did I feel like I was suffering and lonely for a while? Sure I did, again I am human. But God has given me the perfect life. Seriously, every single day I know my husband was well worth the wait. Our future baby, as stubborn and he or she is about getting here, will be worth the wait. God is just building our testimony. Until then, I will continue to find ways to serve God. Because even if I remain barren forever I have a purpose in this life. I will always strive to be someone's silver lining. Heck maybe I am even made to talk about the "taboo talk of infertility" to help someone out. I do want to tell people that I am not bitter at others having babies, I honest to God have no jealousy. Who could ever not wish for their friends to have a family? I'm always so happy to hear the news, I always find it incredible that girls I had sleepovers with are creating the next generation of "us".

I do want to touch on what Reverend Betty said today... She touched on not getting so lost in our problems that we forget to see others and we forget to seek God. I could grow bitter with God, it'd be easy enough to just get mad, but I am not.. Which again is my faith that has been restored in this whole process. I hope to give myself to the Lord more in this upcoming year, so much that I don't spend as much time worrying over controlling the smallest details of my life. I want to lose focus of myself and focus on whatever He wants me doing. That's my New Years Resolution. I hope throughout my journey I can help others seek God. I constantly preach I am not perfect, I really am not, but I do love the Lord. Happy New Year!

A different lifetime ago

Do you ever feel like we live multiple lives? Before you think I am skitzo, hear me out.

I feel like after looking at childhood photographs that was a different lifetime ago. As my ten year high school reunion comes up that feels like another lifetime. & as I saw an old acquaintance the other day from my college years, I was left pondering where does time go? I feel like the older I get the faster years go by and the past quickly becomes a distant memory.

Facebook often reminds me that some of the people I was the closest to are now mere strangers to me that I would congenially speak to in Walmart with a nod and a "How have you been!" It's funny how adulthood will do that to you.

Moving on from my reflections from the past. So I've learned that I am out of my new teacher phase. I find myself becoming more and more versed in educational practices and I enjoy being a collegue that others bounce ideas with. I feel like I manage our class well (with the help of Mrs. Jenna of course). There are days that I really see growth in learning and it makes me so happy!

Ok This is short and sweet night

At Peace

I doubt anyone cares to read this, and that's ok, it is my outlet.

Life has been rather fabulous lately. Life after grad school provides the time for me to be the family member and wife I always dreamed of being. It also has provided time to think, which isn't always good. However, I have made the decision to choose happiness lately. Every month I have a melt down when I realize once again I am not an expectant mother, this month though I chose to focus on the positive things that we do have in our lives. I'll explore them below.

*Some people never find true love, I know plenty of people that never do. I also know married couples who have to work hard every single day to stay together. (No judgement, we all have our own demons to face). However, Travis and I have never been that couple that fights and I mean it 100%. I am not saying we never have fought as a couple, but honestly our marriage has brought us closer together. There was a stage I personally went through where I missed our relationship being "new" and exciting, but I made it through that to appreciate the comfort of knowing every day is consistent: I am loved and he is loved. That's all the excitement I need, and he's good at throwing little curve balls at me. The other day he even told me "You look really pretty in light colored blue jeans and a t-shirt, you should wear them more often." He had no idea that I was having my "I feel so ugly week" and that he made me feel like a little girl who's crush had finally spoken to her. Anyway, the point is, I am blessed for the consistency in our love. He truly is my best friend. He would kill me for sharing this, but I mean this is what our messages consist of daily and I always always want to remember that even if we never have anyone but each other in this world that we are SO BLESSED.

Another positive thing about my life here lately is my family. I realize the distance of living in Hodge for so long and grad school made me an "absent" family member too often. Here lately though, I see my family all of the time. Today I went to see my sister's family and was tackled by my almost 7 year old niece and my heart lit up as she handed my a stack of like 6 drawings she had made me with my name "TEEN" clearly written all over each one. Then I had the joy of watching Baleigh with her three teeth attempting to walk (Don't worry girl, it won't be long now, just be thankful you have thick diapers for the falls!) My sister and I have had our peaks and valleys and luckily we are at a peak and she and my mother really always will be my very best friends. Sis and I talk every day now, and it's good for me and I think it's good for her to have that relationship. I get to spend time with mom and dad a lot more often too, and I love it. I realize more and more though that we are all aging and I know how important it is to make memories together.

My classroom is also on my positive list. Jenna and I started out our first year on two different pages, and by year 4 together we are so close. We spend our nap times having real conversations about our lives, and she probably knows me the most. I love that someone knows me so well, she knows my good side and bad side and still loves me as a friend. She gets to witness me sing and dance to Barney like songs daily and half the time she is jamming right along with me. I do need to make her quit making fun of my AWESOME drawings though. So hateful. I am also thankful to have Deanna Remore, who is my "phone a friend" after school to talk about our days (no one else gets working with the little bitties like she gets it). She has always been such a mentor to me and I love that we brainstorm together to figure out ways to get our students to learn things. We've moved past the work friendship too though, because we do life together. She and Jenna are my "persons".

School or "work" whatever you call it also has so much other great things to offer. I have PRECIOUS and smart little students who are always eager to learn. I have now taught my whole hall way so when I walk down the hall and previous students see me, I am like in celebrity status hearing my name being hollered out with big smiles and waves. To know that I have been a stepping stone into the big kids they are becoming is a good feeling. We are also in a really good place staff wise, everyone gets along well. It doesn't even feel forced, there is absolutely no tension. It's great! I have really good principals to work for, who are encouraging, which is needed with the paper work load I have. As a school and a community, we have had our hardships, but we have come out on a positive note. What a great thing it is to work with people who love you like family? I love them like family too. I've also become a TS Gold trainer over the summer for our parish and I have had the opportunity to grow professionally. That's always nice.

I am also at a very good place with friends. I don't have a whole lot that I consider myself super close to, but the ones I am close to, I am very close to. That's really all you need in life anyways.

See, lots to be thankful... but now to explain my feelings...

I have an appointment on November 17 (our wedding anniversary of all days) with a new doctor to explore infertility issues. I feel like I am having to mentally prepare myself for such a big appointment; I am well aware I can hear things that I don't like. Yet, I have such a peace about it now. I was listening to a Christian song in my car the other day on the way to work (Colt Dixon's latest) and I wasn't even thinking about the issue and out of no where I thought, "You'll be OK if you have a baby or if you don't have a baby". It was a strange feeling because I've had complete crazy meltdowns over the struggle of trying to conceive. The more I explored the thoughts in my mind, the more I was realizing that it was the Lord communicating with me in the quiet moments of my life. I realized He wants me to have peace in my life. He has this amazing plan that I am not in control of. It may be in HIS plan to not make us biological parents, maybe he knows something we don't know and he's saving us a heart ache or maybe he knows of a perfect baby or child that needs a loving home to be adopted into. You know God may just know that I fall in love with every single one of my students and that Travis loves children, and we may be that couple that was meant to adopt and take in a child who needs a loving home. I tear up the thought of having a child to care for and love. I used to think of adoption so differently, but I am realizing the best things that I got from my parents is who I am inside... the morals.. the memories..the determination. So if we do become parents through adoption I am ok with that, I'll always wonder what a child made of our DNA would have looked like or been like, but you know God has this amazing plan and I won't dwell on anything negative. Though we are exploring the idea of adoption, I don't want to seem as if we have given up as a couple, trust me, I will go to every doctor I can to try to have our own. (Then we may have our own and still adopt) who knows. I would like for everyone to continue to keep us uplifted in prayer. It's a trial for sure, but we have given it to the Lord. I am at peace. Until we figure out when or how we will become parents, I'll keep spoiling my nieces and my class. I LOVE kids and nothing will ever stop me from doing so.

Hope you have a blessed day! ~Christina

Why haven't you began a family?!

I'm probably putting too much out there, but I consider myself a natural writer. I am no poet from the past, but I like to let me emotions out. So here goes the biggest confession and probably the most personal thing I will ever share. We are struggling to conceive a child. I shutter at the thought of even sharing something so personal, to the point I almost hit delete. However, I will keep writing because quite frankly if im asked one more time when we are having a family in public, I fear I may have a breakdown right then and there.

We have been trying to conceive now for 10 months, and I just now really began to begin my worrying. So I went to the doctor this past week to have blood work drawn and an ultra sound basically confirm that I'm not ovulating. This could be due to closed tubes or my system could simply need medication to boost activity. So next week I get to start checking my temperature every month. I'm also trying to get a second doctor's opinion. I'm devastated at the thought that we might not get to have children the good ole fashioned way. I'm even more devastated at the thought of never having children at all. Like I get sick to my stomach worrying over it. Travis is so supportive saying God is just taking his time making our perfect child. I try to hold on to my religious belief system, but that's not to say that I never get discouraged. Today I've felt anger. I hear about these folks abusing their babies and having 3 kids in the home and here we are zero kids and I know in my heart we would be so good to our child.

I do need to clear up that there is no anger or jealousy towards my friends that do have children or are pregnant, I'm estatic for you! I really am, I would never wish the waiting game on anyone. I know the moments of heartache I feel. With that being said, is it hard to hear pregnancy announcements? Yes and no. Yes, because my mind races to "What is wrong with my body?!" However, I also get excited at the thought that my friends get to bring in a little human being to love, and I get a little bit of hope that maybe some day in the near future it will be our announcement.

I just feel we did everything right. We got married, I finished school, we established careers, bought a house, and saved some money. We tried everything in us to pave a great life for our child(ren) before trying to conceive. Again, today I feel anger and that's probably the devil, but I've learned that this subject is just as awkward to talk about as death is to some. I hear the responses, "It'll happen when you quit stressing"... I know people mean well, but easier said than done. I also hear,"It's all in God's timing", but I ask myself how do I know it's in God's plan for me to have biological children? I know plenty of Christians who couldn't have biological children. We've discussed adoption if we exhaust our trying or ever just get told no. So I do believe that a child will come in His timing, I just wonder if it will be one that I carry. No matter what we have already taken a vow to love whatever child God sends us as our own. I hate the unknown--absolutely hate it. Probably my worse downfall as a Christian, because I know I should never worry. I should just pray..& trust me we do. However I have yet to turn off the worry button in my head.

Anyway, there's our present life story. There's why I awkwardly say I'm praying when others ask when or why we haven't began a family. I just say it's in God's hands, and it is. We can't wait to share the love that we have established in this home. For now... We keep praying and "searching" for answers. I really don't want sympathy nor attention, but maybe you guys could send up a prayer.