"This learning to live again is killing me"

Ok so my title is a play on Garth Brooks since his recent concert, that I did not attend, made his songs pop into my head. But it is hard to learn how to live again. It is hard to be anywhere near normal. I try, but everything feels so normal. So stinking "I've done it a thousand times". I've been tired of the same ole same ole. There is a time when God gives you a desire for something new. Mine was parenthood. 20 months ago I knew I was ready. So when I found out Ryleigh was on the way my mind shifted to the new adventures we would share... And when I found out she was a girl my mind shifted to all the girl things our family would do. Her dad even looked forward to dance recitals and walking her down the aisle. I looked forward to shopping days and big bows and me holding her and rocking her until her eyes slowly closed while staring at me. Just like the days I rocked my baby niece. So when our beautiful daughter passed away so peacefully laying against my chest in my arms, my dreams with her went to heaven too. I know she's in a better place, I rejoice in knowing such, but I still ache. Her father still aches. Now I am back to normal and people tell me how great I look (I long for my Ryleigh pregnant belly). I miss her touching the middle of the Palm of my hand while she was in my womb. There is a connection that no one can understand between a mom and her child the minute you see a positive test and Heaven knows when you feel that first wiggle or touch it is a bond like any other. I luckily journaled the last major wiggle I felt from our angel & bravely peeked at the journal yesterday and when I saw the exact time and date 12:35 am July 15, 2016 where both hands and feet touched my hands on my belly I lost it. It was a cry I've needed to have one where I screamed out loud completely alone begging for some sort of understanding. The melt down of all meltdowns in the middle of our angel's room. It was the first moment I was utterly alone and I really felt the loss of our daughter. It was therapeutic and I got through it just the same. I generally cry a couple of times a day, no meltdown like the one I just described, but for a minute or two I feel the absence of her, the fact that life is normal. I hate it. I miss being pregnant and eating certain things and looking forward to our new chapter. I think eventually I'll find some new form of normal, but guess what as my blog title suggests I am searching again.. Searching how to be normal. And I can't even share this blog yet because I'll never get to find normal when I am the depressed and grieving mom everyone feels sorry for. I appreciate the kindness and love everyone shows but sometimes I just want the rude person at the local grocery store to be rude to me again rather than telling me to take it easy. I'm a stinking looney toon I tell ya. Mommy loves you, Ryleigh. Can't wait until my searching years are us searching for the next adventure in heaven. Until then mommy will try her best to find joy here on earth and will try to have you some siblings that we can add to our family. There will never be another you though, our sweet first born.