"This learning to live again is killing me"

Ok so my title is a play on Garth Brooks since his recent concert, that I did not attend, made his songs pop into my head. But it is hard to learn how to live again. It is hard to be anywhere near normal. I try, but everything feels so normal. So stinking "I've done it a thousand times". I've been tired of the same ole same ole. There is a time when God gives you a desire for something new. Mine was parenthood. 20 months ago I knew I was ready. So when I found out Ryleigh was on the way my mind shifted to the new adventures we would share... And when I found out she was a girl my mind shifted to all the girl things our family would do. Her dad even looked forward to dance recitals and walking her down the aisle. I looked forward to shopping days and big bows and me holding her and rocking her until her eyes slowly closed while staring at me. Just like the days I rocked my baby niece. So when our beautiful daughter passed away so peacefully laying against my chest in my arms, my dreams with her went to heaven too. I know she's in a better place, I rejoice in knowing such, but I still ache. Her father still aches. Now I am back to normal and people tell me how great I look (I long for my Ryleigh pregnant belly). I miss her touching the middle of the Palm of my hand while she was in my womb. There is a connection that no one can understand between a mom and her child the minute you see a positive test and Heaven knows when you feel that first wiggle or touch it is a bond like any other. I luckily journaled the last major wiggle I felt from our angel & bravely peeked at the journal yesterday and when I saw the exact time and date 12:35 am July 15, 2016 where both hands and feet touched my hands on my belly I lost it. It was a cry I've needed to have one where I screamed out loud completely alone begging for some sort of understanding. The melt down of all meltdowns in the middle of our angel's room. It was the first moment I was utterly alone and I really felt the loss of our daughter. It was therapeutic and I got through it just the same. I generally cry a couple of times a day, no meltdown like the one I just described, but for a minute or two I feel the absence of her, the fact that life is normal. I hate it. I miss being pregnant and eating certain things and looking forward to our new chapter. I think eventually I'll find some new form of normal, but guess what as my blog title suggests I am searching again.. Searching how to be normal. And I can't even share this blog yet because I'll never get to find normal when I am the depressed and grieving mom everyone feels sorry for. I appreciate the kindness and love everyone shows but sometimes I just want the rude person at the local grocery store to be rude to me again rather than telling me to take it easy. I'm a stinking looney toon I tell ya. Mommy loves you, Ryleigh. Can't wait until my searching years are us searching for the next adventure in heaven. Until then mommy will try her best to find joy here on earth and will try to have you some siblings that we can add to our family. There will never be another you though, our sweet first born.

Nothing would make our goodbye easier

Someone told me yesterday that someone said it would have been easier on me if Ryleigh was a "simple miscarriage" (as if that's even possible for miscarriage to be simple for a woman) or if she would have been stillborn. The person who told me didn't tell me the source who said such a thoughtless thing, but just the same I want to address that notion for my own mental health. Did it hurt to lose our baby girl?!! Yes, God knows my deepest feelings of mourning and mine and Trav's life. But what you don't know is how amazing it was to have her alive. I was told almost the whole pregnancy it would never happen and guess what?! God let me give birth via c section to a beautiful beautiful child. The moment we learned that she was only 266 grams we knew she would meet God soon and of course our world shattered in a thousand pieces, but I kept it together. I held our baby and she literally cuddled my chest and held mine and trav's finger. Then the miraculous happened she opened her eyes and looked at me and doctor Wilson swore to my parents she smiled at me (I thought she did too). I got to stare into the creation God let us make eyes. It was the greatest moment of our lives and will remain the greatest moment of my life. Then she made this almost baby bird like squeak... Nothing that sounded like distress but more of a "hi mom and dad". Travis and I both said awe and I was able to tell my Miss Wiggles how sweet and perfect she was. Then I was able to pray over her and study her features. A combo of our eyes, my cheeks and nose, Travs lips and long legs... She really is so beautiful y'all. Then I was able to allow our families meet her and kiss her and she was able to get baptized. I also got to sing "Slow Down" our la-la-la song I sang to her every night. All while in my arms. They continuously checked her heart beat and she would still be with us and I was thankful to know I had more time. More time to hold our precious angel alive. They will always be some of my most precious moments of my life. And even when she was announced passed at 11:09 am and my heart had a piece go to heaven with our baby...I was so thankful to have met our baby. I am so thankful to God for those moments. I wouldn't have hurt any more or less had her passing been differently. A mother and a father's love is present from the first positive test. I'm so thankful to God that he gave me time with our baby. Precious time to hold our very small daughter who grew in my womb. I got to meet the life I knew inside of my belly. That alone is such a precious moment to me. I'll forever miss her and I usually cry a few times a day, but I know that I'll see our sweet girl in Heaven. I look forward to the sweet day I walk in and can hold her again. Until then I look forward to giving her some siblings and will take on the world day by day. There will be joy, there is always joy to be found. I'll be ok and so will Trav. We will just always live with a piece of our hearts in heaven. We love you Ryleigh.

My Summer is an emotional blur

I tried realllly hard to sleep at night this time. I succeeded from 11-3. Then I read my new "self help book" "Praying Through Hard Times" which discusses not only dealing with tough situations in a Christian manner, but also lets you explore similar situations in the Bible. It has touched on things I've pondered, one being "Why do some non believers who abuse their kids get to have kids and I struggle so?" (Hard to admit my mind asked that because I now realize somehow over time I put myself on a pedestal as a Christian over "sinners" and guess what? We are all sinners, me included). The book helped point out that though others who may not know God may seem to have an "easier life" from the outside that God doesn't want me to compare. It also points out how blessed I am to have belief in God during a hard time and how I'll one day be saved forever. So I find myself in a new place yet again spiritually realizing though our situation is so hard, we are saved and the pain we experience on earth won't be forever. & that rather than comparing myself to others I should pray for them. So that's a new goal. Mentally & spiritually I find myself to be a different woman. I've already begun my battle with depression and not letting the devil steal the joy that God brings. I still hold on to hope that this baby girl of ours can defy science, because God has been doing that. Then I find myself thinking that I'm crazy and need to be realistic, but faith is believing that the impossible can be possible. I also worry about if I'm selfish, I pray to God that I want Ryleigh to have a great life and for His will over her life. I also try hard to not become the "pity me" person and feel sorry for myself Bc the blessing of being a mother alone is huge. I will tell you this, this has been the longest summer of my life where nights and days blend into emotional blurs. Yet I keep praying, "Let her stay with me longer". Though my pain is great, the aching to raise our child is greater. I'm so ready for our break through. I pray every appointment to be the one where things turn around. But I realize God's way is not my way, and I have accepted His will either way. I try to note every single time I feel her, I've become obsessed with noting the time. It's the most precious thing I'll ever feel. I'm so thankful to be Ryleigh Ann's mom. I once started this blog while searching for Love. Looking back God heard my prayer loud and clear, and answered it in His time perfectly. He also answered my prayer to be a parent. Now I pray to be a parent and raise healthy children in our house. I'll trust He knows what He's doing.

Preparing my heart is impossible

Everyone already knows what is going on, and I often hear that people have no idea how they would mentally go through it. I need to state that I am crazy. Best way to put it. I have to hear that our sweet baby, who wiggles inside of me every night, who we've mentally and physically already bonded with will die before we ever meet her. Our child is 20 weeks in size (as an average, some body parts measuring lower), and growth is extremely slow due to my placenta insufficiency. (Something I have been told was not my fault and happened at conception). Mentally, I still have guilt that my body isn't providing her enough blood. Then there is the thought of labor, I mean labor is scary. I've been nervous about that part since before trying. I know it's got pain involved. But I've always been ready because we get a precious crying baby at the end. Now I am told my baby will likely be still born. I will hear no cries. That's more painful than labor alone could ever be, and while I am thankful I am alive, this is a situation I wish I could just close my eyes really tight and disappear to Neverland. I feel so sick over it all. Sick. I'm also at risk of high blood pressure setting in, pre clampsia is very common with folks like me. My pressure is already steadily creeping up which could also force me to induce labor even when she has a heart beat. If we don't then I could die too. So I try to stay calm while literally in a storm of emotions. Then I think of how my goodbye may have to go. How do you say bye to literally something made of half you? It is gut wrenching and I pray some form of the Holy Spirit enters my body at that moment because I can't fathom doing it. This post is raw and something I won't likely share for a while, but I need an outlet tonight as sleep doesn't come to me at all at night. I need God's light from the sun on me for me to be ok. There is nothing about me that feels like me except when I talk to Travis, who gets it because it's his daughter too. My friends send me snap chats or texts to try to cheer me or check on me and while I am grateful someone still thinks of me I rarely reply. Even to the really funny snaps.. Bc honestly my ability to laugh has been hindered. Nothing in the world seems very important these days. They will one day, but not right now. I keep telling myself that I can get through this, that I will one day be normal. And one day I will because as a couple we've decided we have to force ourselves to go do things, even when we don't want to. We have to force ourselves to put one foot in front of the other. We've decided that we won't let the devil steal our joy from life forever. We will mourn and then we will try to find an ounce of happiness everyday until we can feel happy without trying. I've wondered if I will need therapy, maybe just some spiritual counseling at church, maybe some Meds? I've always been against medication for happiness, but maybe that's because I've always been happy naturally. I've never known pain like this. Then I wonder am I taking it harder than the natural human being? I mean I am overly emotional? Or would everyone be as crazy as me? Then I worry about her suffering because while I want her to stay alive forever, I also worry about her suffering bc of my stupid body not "sharing blood correctly". No mom wants to think that their kid is in trouble. We did find out one day, when we are mentally ready we will go on to have children with likely "no complications". At one point at the beginning I didn't know if I could even try again, but within time I am sure in my heart we will try again. We've even got our names picked out. I would be treated super high risk and watched like a hawk, but the problem will likely never occur ever again. Our problem this time was a "one in a million". Then I worry that people will worry about talking about their kids to me, like they'll automatically think I am some bitter woman. Then I worry that my students' parents will automatically assume I have something against their kid, when honestly this upcoming class will be viewed with new eyes and I'll remember that even the child that misbehaves from time to time is someone's whole world. That I will likely show a little more kindness and patience. I hope if anyone ever runs across the particular post my real feelings don't scare you from liking me as a person. I am a Christian and I know God will see me through with time.